Thoughts - 2009/2/24 - words left

It wasn't like I planned it
or possibly ever could have
some things just catch you off guard
from the left to the right, I'm not centered
but I definitely did my part to change
from righting the lefts to wronging the rights
I'm done writing the words I've left behind

First page of my book(a.k.a. - prelude to the best thing to happen to illinois

It has always been brought to my attention that I was someone unique. From the first memory that I have, being 5 years old and listening to my sister's slumber party in the other room, to my last memory, being told that someone "doesn't want any trouble" in the lavatory. This life that I have led for the past 20 years has been nothing less than a rampage of confusions, decisions, and consequences. Where as others would like to blame their lives on bad luck, I'd like to take what blame there is on myself. Of course some will say that I am "not entirely to blame", to which I say "How can I be sure?" Other's describe me as funny, nice, generous, and ridiculous. My soul speaks of myself the best. I am a self-loathing egotistical manic depressant.

I guess one could say that I almost started to believe myself somewhere in there. With a childhood that was nothing less than lonely, I found myself looking to myself for purpose and relevance.

I guess one could say that I never found that. With a family that was nothing less than uplifting, I found myself running away from the things that were important.

I guess one could say that things never change. With a friend that was nothing less than brother, I found myself lying to my kin.

A bi-polar catastrophe of wit and ferocity.

I guess one could say that I almost started to believe myself somewhere in there. With a lover who gave me contentment, I found myself pushing away from how life was intended.

A lying saint with mixed intentions.

I guess one could say that I started to believe myself somewhere in there.

If I were you, I would just give up.

I guess one could say that I started to believe in myself

POEM - 2009/01/26 - discerning life from lovers

Have you ever found a place where you can't get out
Every turn that you make puts you out on the streets
Without a thought of turning it seems like the end
The wind doesn't even know the path to take

Cause we're lost and looking for directions
Finding love in 1 hour affections
we'll find our way through another day

Now that you're here I'll find you a place to stay
The floor will feel better than the guilt on your back
Cause every chance to leave is the discernment you lack
The northern cold blowing past your face

Cause we're lost and looking for directions
Finding love in 1 hour affections
we'll find our way through another day

POEM - 2008/01/23 - unrecognizable

I don't know how to love you
one moment your hot then next cold
can't quite put my finger on it
but most days I'm completely sold

you don't understand it
you don't recognize it
but one day I may have to leave
unless you convince me to stay

POEM - 2008/01/21 - Remember me like this

A restaurant full of cheap tippers
Where emotions took first flight
I've seen many days, many nights
Remember me like this, like this

A dull light hillside then to the car
Where my emotions found sight
I've seen many days, many nights
Remember me like this, like this

A simple stick torn from its limbs
Where my emotions became bright
I've seen many days, many nights
Remember me like this, like this

I can't seem to change my mind
Remember me like this

POEM - 2008/01/20 - I want to try

listen, I really am here
I've been giving you all
giving you everything I have
I don't know if it meant
something or anything to you
but I had to try
I have to try
I want to try
and I'll continue to try
trying is all that i have
trying is something I crave

i don't know if you know this
but from the first time I saw you
I wanted to know
all the details there are to know
what makes you tick and makes you burn
I wanted to know what makes you churn
I can't help but wonder which way you'll turn
I'd wait for years, if it were me you yearned

so this is my journal that I've been writing
it's only here to keep my thoughts from fighting
I seem to lose control of my emotions
just like the rushing wave of the oceans
i'd like to say this is easy on me
but it could never be.

POEM - 2009/01/20 - what I'm looking for

You have me so confused
I'm waiting for everything
You simply can't escape it
My thoughts you're stuck in

For you I am what I've ever been
For you I am what I've ever been

I'll wait, I'll wish
I will find what I'm looking for
I'll search, I'll stay
I will find what you're looking for

You have me locked up
asking for lyrics and rhyhms
I'll give you what you want
I know just what you've needed

This is the time that I break down
Finding my pillow at night
It does matter my might
One, twice
I have so little time to try
I've tried, I've tried and I've tried